Can I make a confession? I actually love a lot of these wtffanfiction entries. And not just in a point-and-laugh sort of way.
Like, this one is bloody brilliant. A bee’s dick. Bwah! In a million years, my imagination could never come up with that.
I think it takes a lot of courage to insert original, unique metaphors into your writing. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but there’s something about the risk itself that I have to sit back and admire.
So, anyway, yeah. I see these scroll past on my dash and everyone’s like “hahaha, how hilariously bad” and I’m over here thinking, ‘hey, that’s kind of awesome’. *crawls under a rock*
“There’s a lesson to be learned here,” Varric said, holstering Bianca “messing with us is suicidal.” The dwarf rolled one of the bodies over with his boot. “Tch, just some Coterie thugs. Maybe Gallard’s still mad about that card game with Blondie and that hat he wants.”
Anders flinched where he stood, hands resting on his knees as he tried to catch his breath, “Did you… really… have to mention that?”
Isabela pursed her lips and crossed her arms, “Is it just me or are we missing someone? Specifically two someones?”
Varric looked around, but the only other bodies he could see were the ones they had felled. Varric cursed loudly, “Son of a nug-rutting bitch! Those two snuck off again?”
Anders leaned against his staff heavily, “Didn’t you.. didn’t you notice? I couldn’t cast as many offensive spells because I had to focus on keeping the both of you alive.”
Isabela huffed out an annoyed sigh, “It’s bad enough they won’t let me join in, the least they could do is stick around so I could watch!”
“Ancestors,” Varric groused “It’s gonna take us all night to get to the docks if they keep doing this! Some of us need our beauty sleep.”
“I think I saw them duck through there,” Anders said slowly, gingerly pointing towards a nearby blind alley.
“Rivaini, you have no scruples about this sort of thing—see if it’s safe to interrupt them.” Anders rubbed his forehead. He could feel the beginnings of a headache.
Isabela smirked and went to peek around the corner of the narrow alleyway. It was dark, and the two figures were a good distance away, but she recognized Fenris and their fearless leader entwined amidst the shadows cast by the swelling moon overhead.
“Well?” Varric prompted her, standing to one side, facing in the opposite direction of the side street. “What are they doing?”
The pirate smirked, “D’you want specifics or just the general picture? I’d have to get out my spyglass I think, to get any really good detail.”
Anders shuddered, “Just the general idea please.”
“Oh you two are no fun,” Isabela pouted looking back into the rather lengthy alleyway. She cheerfully described the scene, “Mm, well, Fenris has our dear Quinntus pinned against the wall, Hawke seems to have misplaced his tongue in the elf’s mouth, and there’s less than a bee’s dick of space between them.”
Anders felt his face twist in revulsion. Varric shook his head, “You do have a way with words, don’t you Rivaini? C’mon Blondie. I’m outta here. Let’s go to the Hanged Man and play some Wicked Grace.”
Anders laughed ruefully, “Sure, why not? I could always use more Coterie thugs angling for my body parts. Maybe a finger this time, or my nose!”
“Suit yourselves,” Isabela said leaning in to watch. She leaped backwards a moment later as a dagger flew wildly through the air towards her. It clattered to the ground. The pirate frowned and scooped up the knife. “Tch, some people are so sensitive!” She thrust the knife into her belt and went to catch up with Anders and Varric.
In the alleyway Fenris lifted his lips off of Hawke’s neck. He lifted one of his dark brows in question, “What was that?”
Quinntus grinned at him, “Nothing. Thought I saw a rat. It’s gone.”
“Hn,” Fenris carefully traced Quinn’s lips with a point of a gauntleted finger. “Perhaps this would be best continued…elsewhere.”
Hawke smirked happily, “Your place or mine?”
Fenris’s voice held just a touch of a possessive growl, “Mine.”
I could actually see Isabela saying that though XD